getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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