He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
