You work out of a Hotel?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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