Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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