If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
