I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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