My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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