Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
