dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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