The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
