The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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