I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
