Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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