so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How naked do you want me to be?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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