3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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