I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
