I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
