After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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