No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
