so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
