Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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