Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
