How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
