Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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