Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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