Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
