if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
