my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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