And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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