this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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