i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
