i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You may now shotgun with the bride
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
