there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I need a burrito and a hug.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
