If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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