Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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