My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
