i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
