i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
