You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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