I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
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Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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