just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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