You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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