I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
