Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I deserve this hangover.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
