i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
