The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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