i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
