her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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