ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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