I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
420 ftw
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
