Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
