Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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