I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
