It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
