I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it was like eating out sand paper
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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