he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
