I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
