if i can run in heels then i can drive
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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