I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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