yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's never too late to be topless.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
