I'm so fucking centered right now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
