Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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