Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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